Choose Your Own Breast-venture!

I would like to start this entry by simply stating that I am exhausted. I realize that cancer-related fatigue is a really genuine symptom of cancer, but honestly this seems ridiculous. Most people seem to be affected by their treatments, and I haven’t even gotten to the bulk of those yet. All that’s happened to me is a few scans, some minor breast mashing, and being turned into a human pincushion.  On a side note, please stop taking my blood. You’re all testing for the same things, why do I need to give so much? Between work, the parade of doctors, and just dealing with life in general, I am drained from everything.  Talking to a very smart and medically intelligent friend of mine (Hi, Splash!), she made an excellent argument as to why. In her words, since cancer cells are constantly dividing, it’s taking up energy from your body that you haven’t had to spend in normal life. It all makes good sense to me, but it still sucks.

So aside from my tiredness induced whining, I did get some awesome news this week. My BRAC testing came back and it is negative!!! So I don’t have the gene mutation that would make me incredibly susceptible to breast or ovarian cancer in the future. This is just really awesome and I’m so thankful that my family now doesn’t have to worry about this being a part of our genetic makeup forever! I know, it’s possible that my brothers may still be carriers but it’s much less likely since I don’t have it. So yay for good genes, but boo for making really hard decisions.

Knowing now that I have multiple options for surgery is just a huge stress factor for me. Anyone who has ever asked me, “What do you want for dinner?” knows how much I hate making decisions. I never like to close doors and I hate living in absolutes of my own doing. I have no clue what I want to eat yet, but I can assure you I’m not in the mood for Mexican or Chinese food.  I found a wonderful quote recently to describe this thought process:

“I am almost never sure about what I want, but I am always sure about what I don’t want.”

Just a reminder: I have been currently weighing my options between a lumpectomy and a bilateral mastectomy. I did have the option of a single mastectomy but if I’m taking one, the other might as well go too. I have been toiling over this decision since I was told that both are really good options for my situation and, my god, this is a tough choice. I have talked to doctors, breast cancer survivors, my family, Kris (I keep telling him it’s more important to him than to me since he has to look at my chest). I’ve even made a pros and cons list for both surgeries. As I told my dad last night, this is the worst choose your own adventure of all time.

The more I look at these options, it seems to boil down to one choice: Am I willing to give up two of my favorite parts of my body to almost eliminate the chance of having cancer again? I want to want the lumpectomy because I love my breasts! I could write an entire post on how awesome they are and the many many MANY good times I’ve had with them. Even my plastic surgeon told me they are perfect for crying out loud! They are a large part of my confidence, my femininity, and a part of who I am today. Even with all of those thoughts, I just can’t imagine having to go through this whole ordeal again.

Because of my age, the chance of me getting cancer again in my lifetime is incredibly high. By having the mastectomy I am able to reduce that risk by 96%. As much as I love my breasts, I love my life more. I am to the point that anything I can do to prevent going through this whole ordeal again I am willing to do. So between my doctor’s recommendations and a lot of deliberation I have made the decision.

January 3^rd, 2014, I will be having a bilateral mastectomy.

To be honest I am nervous and scared. It’s a huge procedure that is going to require a lot of recovery time. And most heartbreaking for me, I will be losing my most defining feature for good. I will be getting implants after the procedure, so that means fake boobs for me! From people I’ve talked to that have gone through the procedure before, it sounds pretty awful for the first few months, but the final product is just fine. Furthermore, you don’t even have to wear a bra to keep them up so woo-hoo to that! I will go into more detail later about what the actual procedure is, but making the decision was enough of a task for this day.

 Since this is a huge life event and not exactly fun news, please enjoy my first failed attempt at implants

I don't think Rory found this nearly as hilarious as Kris and I did.

Today’s quick recap:

*I’m super tired from everything.

*I’m having a bilateral mastectomy (that means everything is going).